It's a 'NO day

So here we are, stuck at home: Whoopee, snow (and ice) today. All outside responsibilities are erased today (of course Papaschnuck went in to work) but no school, no Religious Ed in the afternoon, no pre-school, no gymnastics (OK that was yesterday but it was cancelled also). Nothing like a snow day ( "a NO day") to make you stop and take a complete time out. OK OK I know I have my monster 2500 Suburban than has 4 wheel drive and it would take a lot more that a few inches of snow and ice to truly strand us at home but give me a little latitude. I enjoy these days almost as much as the kids. I can remember the excitement of listening to the radio and hearing that school will be cancelled for the day. Freedom! The kids felt the same this morning.

Of course, they had been out Monday and Tuesday for "teacher planning". Yes, I know, next year I will be screaming for more planning time but our teachers here seem to get a HUGE amount of time to "plan". They even had 3 planning days in the last 30 days of school last year. That, combined with the amount vacation and sick time, and the volume of parental help that happens in the classrooms, its hard not to be a bit cynical about the amount of planning time teachers receive and how much they are without kids, in the building. Before I start to get nasty e-mails, I do think teachers are miracle workers and it is a job I could never do (well.... I mean for other people's kids).

Anyway. They have had such fun in the snow I have decided to post come pics of their antics. I wanted to put up a video but my computer is not behaving and is in a time out (or will be when I am done here). So, a 'No day today, just a blip off the calender, it comes and goes, everyone out of routine and when you return to the world, back into your busy hectic life, you think to yourself, Hmm did I lose a day? The answer is 'NO.

What was I thinking? saying? doing?

I know all you moms (and maybe dads) are going to know what I am referring to when I say Momnesia, the non-fatal condition also known as 'losing your mind'. I seem to be in a rather acute flare up of the chronic condition I developed shortly after the conception of my first child. Some professionals claim that it is the shifting of hormones or perhaps the lack of sleep which leads to the development of an complete and inability to remember things. Things like: phone numbers, appointments, making dinner, changing diapers (OK I threw that last one in so that Papaschnuck finally can understand all the times that the kids were walking around with their diapers sagging off their little heinies and hanging around their ankles. Incidentally, giving them the only acceptable form of 'plumber butt' that is looked upon with affection). Momnesia affects all women differently, and while I started with a mild form of it in June 2000, it has developed into such a full blown case that my family and friends now just nod knowingly when I mix up my children, the days of the week, and verbs and nouns. It is not uncommon for me to insist that a child needs to be put in the refrigerator as I call them "Juice". And to answer the obvious, yes the children derive great pleasure from my mental mix-ups. It seems more often these days, I look at them and wonder, "Why is he laughing?" I have to stop and think, and half the time I still don't know what I really said. I suspect at times, Papachnuck thinks that I am entering the early stages of Alzheimer's. I hope not.

Lately, I have been wondering why this might be happening and what can be done to try to improve my scatterbrainedness (how is that for a made up word? The spell check even told me ha ha). I think, quite simply, that it comes from the complete and inability to think anymore. I don't mean that I lack the ability, rather, I lack the opportunity to have contemplative moments these days. And you know what? I miss thinking. There is something to be said for having time to ponder and to theorize. I find that I am often busy with such mindless stuff throughout the day and am so often multitasking, my brain never gets to work coherently. Since it never happens, perhaps my brain has given up trying and just 'phones it in' when I need it to work. No wonder the wires get crossed.

I remember reading once (back when my brain was actually remembering things), that when we are introduced to someone, if we look carefully at their face and repeat their name to them and again in our head we will most likely remember it. Most people forget introductions due to inattention when being introduced. Evidently, we are all so concerned what we might say next that we don't really listen to the name. ( I took particular note of this a few years ago as I would have no idea the names of women I would see and talk to daily at the gym. It would stress me to no end that I would be caught and exposed as an idiot for not knowing their name after so many years. It would get more and more embarrassing to even think of having to ask them their name. I finally gave up the stress and just came clean and asked them their name. It would turn out they had no idea of my name either). Nowadays, I am doing better with people's names but after the last Schnuckie was born everything else has gotten worse. I used to have a great mind for remembering little bits of information, I can remember thinking, Who needs to write down phone numbers? Now, I can't even remember where I put the phone book. I have slowly come to accept my new limitations and have tried make necessary accommodations. At least I have yet to forget a Schnuckie at home or elsewhere (surprisingly enough), and as long as don't, I'm figure I'm OK.

I am gonna try to do better though, writing in this blog has at given me the opportunity to try to put together coherent thoughts despite the numerous interruptions I receive while typing- juice, snacks, lost legos, the phone,- all are unable to wait until mommy is done. Paying attention to things is important and I am constantly telling the kids to pay attention to me. It's time to try to practice what I preach and pay closer attention to things around me and try not to multitask myself into total incompetence. This will be another resolution for 2009.

Now, what was I doing before I sat down at the computer?.....

My first curriculum decision

Singapore Math here I come. I printed out the tests a few days ago and will try to test the boys soon. What a relief to begin to make (oh so slight) progress on the quest. I still have much more planning and purchasing to accomplish but I am buoyed by the first step take. It seems like a good program designed for higher achieving individuals. I am going to remain flexible about how vested I am in it as I feel I have been so cautioned about how programs you might think are perfect don't always work out. Now I am moving on to reading and grammar and spelling etc. stuff. Starting to think also that I want to get some formal Kindergarten stuff for Jenny and not just "wing it" I want her reading this year.

I haven't done much else in terms of looking, don't know if it is more lethargy, indifference, exhaustion, or simply the Holidays. We are reaching the end of January and it (our start) is getting closer. I am excited as can be and, I must admit, I have feelings of dread and fear still. I find I feel the loss of "traditional education" in waves. Many times I am eager to get out of the system but then I find I am wistful and long for the security ( and abdication of the burden of responsibility) of the structured one size fits all. It is almost a battle of my heart and mind. In my mind, I am certain, absolutely positive, there is no better choice for my kids. In my heart, where I selfishly cling to the status quo that is my life, I have doubts about the magnitude of the journey, I get overwhelmed thinking of the YEARS ahead of me and the weight of the responsibility. I find myself nostalgic over the simple class projects or activities they are doing now like the first 100 days project, Will I be able to think of these things?. I read today in the Wall Street Journal about the benefits of pre-school for even children from advantaged homes. One item about how it is important to let your child listen and follow directions from non-relative adults. Makes me sad as I can picture Schnuckie2 (almost 3) having fun in circle time and with other little pre-schoolers, following the teacher's directions, and the pride he would feel to show me work that he did "on his own" with me not there. I guess it doesn't help that in his first gymnastics class yesterday he absolutely refused to participate. Not one bit. He sat for 50 minutes and watched. Besides the fact that I am not paying almost $90.00 to have him WATCH a gymnastics class, I was worried he may never learn to follow direction in a class environment or from others (silly I know but I worry). I may stick him in a pre-school yet, I won't rule it out. I will try not to let it be about me either as I long for a break from him as he is in a "terrible 2's (almost 3)" phase of his life. It doesn't help that this morning he consumed three servings of oatmeal only to bring it all back up with some sort of stomach virus, thus disrupting the daily plans. I won't get into graphic detail but I am a little turned off to oatmeal now as the consistency of it did not seem to change much despite the 1/2 hour or so it was being digested. Today has been a stay a home and clean (and update the blog) day as a result of all this.

At any rate. I am moving ahead, slowly but surely. The things they bring up to me about what they want to do with homeschooling keep me going. Having a President of the month, a country of the week, word of the day etc. These kids of mine have lots of great ideas and thoughts about what they want to do and learn. I hope the enthusiasm continues and I can organize and keep up. I will need to look to them to help me see that while the journey is not going to be easy, nothing of value and worth ever is.

I'm here- now (really)

I admit it, I have many (many) faults. I am not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, especially in the morning, I have been known to hold a grudge. I yell at my kids when I am frustrated. I don't always have the house clean and occasionally I am late (seems like that has been happening more and more lately). There are many many things that I need to work on to improve myself. Papaschnuck could, no doubt, fill a book with suggestions if I ever hesitated to answer that question. However, I believe that I have finally come up with a good New Year's Resolution. I tend to always be looking ahead, planning for the next moment, or day, or week. I believe that I could benefit greatly from learning to work on being in the here and now. I don't think many people enjoy the present and what is going on around them, and what a waste that seems to me. I have often looked at the few people I know, who tend to live there lives in the present, with a smug sense of superiority. Like, all my planning for the future makes me better somehow. Like, I will be prepared and they won't . Truth is, they may be on to something, for you really can not count on anything except what is going on now. Planning is good, don't get me wrong, but (pardon the cliche) you need to stop and smell the proverbial roses.

I was in my spinning class, desperately thinking of anything except my burning quads, when I began to listen to the words of the song,

(credit to the artist Pink)

" When someone said count your blessings now

'fore they're long gone

I guess I just didn't know how

I was all wrong

They knew better

Still you said forever

And ever

Who knew"

Now, I know this is about lost love, but it struck a deeper chord in me as I huffed along trying desperately to keep up with Vickie who seemed perfectly content drive us up an impossible imaginary mountain. I began thinking that it is so rare now-a-days where I stop cleaning the kitchen to play Elefun with those little Schnuckies. I am forever saying, Oh honey- let me finish this load of laundry..... section of the paper.... chapter of my book....dishes.. vacuuming... etc.etc.. Else, I am furiously planning out the week or packing backpacks, setting out clothes for the next day. Getting ready to move on tot he next activity on the "list". I feel like I am in constant preparation or clean-up mode. The other night it struck me that Schnuckie6(almost7) has been asking for a snuggle before bed for a few weeks and I am putting him off over and over. After getting 4 to bed with a quick snuggle for Schnuckie2(almost3), I just want to get downstairs and put my feet up and catch up on my TIVO. I tell him No, not tonight maybe tomorrow, if you can get yourself ready earlier blah blah blah, make some excuse to flee to the quiet and peace of the downstairs. I hate there will be a time where I think back on all those misses opportunities to snuggle with my guys. I will regret not holding a little tighter and a little longer to their sweet bodies, curled against mine, thin arms encircling my neck, breathing into my cheek.

So I resolve to live more for the moment and less for the future. More for the kids and less for the house, more for the puzzles and games and less for the laundry. More for kids books and less for the newspaper. Now, I will still need to do all those other mundane things, but I know I won't look back and regret not doing more of them when the kids are older and gone.

Looking ahead and losing

Still trying to shake my doldrums but starting to look ahead to the new year. I feel as though I have some tasks ahead of me as I look down the road.

First, I have some major curriculum to review and decide on and purchase. I feel as though I have made my first decision as I am going to start with Singapore math- US edition. I printed out the tests for the boys to take sometime in the next few weeks, then I will begin a search for a used copies and buy a few depending where they score. This first decision was a big accomplishment as I feel that the first step is taken, and I am really going to do this. I also scored big on the Scholastic Dollar days sale for teachers that a teacher friend clued me in on- (Thanks again Jackie) these will provide me with lots of extension activities and independent work ideas. I haven't even started looking at ILA, Science, and History but I am gaining confidence.

Second I need to work on Schuckie2 (almost3) as I find that I have indulged him over the years and as he has not been pushed off the lap by another little Schnuckie, I find he has little patience and lots of attitude. I am hoping that I can begin to help him understand that the world does not revolve around him and there will be times when I need to be busy with the other Schnuckies and he will just have to wait a few minutes (Gosh darn it). I will need to build my own reservoir of patience as he can be quite demanding and not easily put off. Like the others he will learn to wait his turn.

Finally, and most importantly, we have some losses coming, not only the loss of school friends but all my kids will be affected by the move of my best friend, Barbara. Our kids have played together for the last 4 years. She has 3 and our kids have been very close. As her youngest entered Kindergarten this year, we have been seeing less of each other. It may a convenient excuse to begin to pull away due to so much time is spent at school. I sense this is the way we have (or maybe its just me) of beginning to get used to not seeing each other anymore. It hurts, but like a Band-Aid, I think we are pulling it off slowly as opposed to a quick and sudden rip.

But I am particularly worried about my Schnuckie6(almost7) as he is losing these friends as well as his best friend who is so like him in both demeanor and smarts that I smile all the time about it when they are together. Two peas in a pod is an apt description. I often thought they'd be close through their teens. I even thought that he might be homeschooled and then the two of them would be inseparable. But Nathan's family is also planning to move this year. Schnuckie6 is a kind and sensitive boy and not the social butterfly his brother is, these losses will hit him very hard. I think alot about this upcoming pain for him and wonder if it might be kinder to try to insulate him a little by starting to move away from play dates and activities with his best friend. Maybe trying to hook him up with a few other friends to begin to develop deeper relationships so that the loss of his best friend may be blunted, as I try to do with mine. It is hard to decide what is better, allow the friendship to continue and have it suddenly broken, or ease away and have it die slowly. Children handle loss differently than adults. They don't have all the baggage we adults tend to heap on to loss experiences. As adults our losses have accumulated and the subsequent pain can create affect bridges to previous losses, magnifying the event. As children, they take the loss and deal with it more matter of factly and are often able to more easily move on. But I can't help wanting to protect my sweetie from beginning the list of loss that he will carry in his life. Right now I think that I am leaning to allowing him to stay close as long as he can. To quote Tennyson (although I am loathe to do that following the recent press conference of Gov. Blagoyovich when he ended with a quote from him) , I do believe that "Tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all". These are the situations in life which make us into the unique and special people that we become.

Happy New Year (I think)

Happy New Year. Except for some reason I am not feeling particularly happy. Is it the post Christmas blahs? The Party fatigue? The cold? the recession? Hard to say but January seems like one giant Monday to me. You know those Monday's? After a great weekend, with family or friends, enjoying beautiful weather, all fun and no chores, then BAM, its Monday: back to work, school, chores, messy house, dirty dishes, piles of laundry, empty pantry (OK lets not go too far, that would NEVER happen with me) and reality hits. Christmas break is like a vacation (uh duh? mamaschnuck- it IS a vacation) What I mean is, it is like going away on vacation. Yes, I am aware lots of people travel over the Christmas holiday. But not us, we hunker down and enjoy each other and the break. And you know when you get home from a vacation, you really need another vacation to get over and recover from your vacation. I guess what I am saying is that while a New Year brings with it exciting things, prospects for change and new beginnings, it also carries with it the Monday morning of the Holidays. Kinda like a hangover. (Ahem, not that I would ever know what that is like).

So that is where I am, kinda blue, kinda blah, and not really feeling that Happy New Year feeling. I suppose all this will pass too. The excitement I will have from starting to plan the curriculum will return (I think I am gonna try Singapore Math). And I know that end of the year will have brought an enormous amount of learning and I will have new experiences to digest. Monday will turn to Tuesday and Jan will melt into February. Birthday season is about to start (2 in March; 1 in April; 1 in June). Spring will be just around the corner. Papaschnuck and I celebrated our wedding anniversary yesterday and I am going to sort through some resolutions (The obvious one: to lose the same 15lbs I lost at the beginning of last year, I'll have to add and keep it off this year. ) 2009 is going to go quickly, they all seem to speed by, faster and faster. Either way, time waits for no one and I plan to move forward, shake off my Monday blues and look ahead to the new.
I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I hope it will be a great one.