My children are driving me crazy

As I think about homeschooling, I often tend to look from my idealized view of my life. What fun it is to imagine my days filled with satisfying inquisitive minds. Quenching their thirst for information from my infinite well of knowledge. Having them all working quietly and productively from various corners of the home. Each optimally utilizing the areas which have been carefully arranged to promote maximum learning and opportunity. Schnuck's Nook's would contain: The Reading Nook, filled with and assortment of phonic readers as well as challenging classic novels; the Study/Computer nook, an area with computers, adequate desk space for writing and workbook completion; the Creative Play Nook, filled with an array of fun exciting, yet educational, toys; and of course the Messy Science and Art Nook; no explanation needed. Ahhh the peace and joy that would reign in Schnuckville.

Yeah right,

The reality today is, my children are driving me crazy. Yes, it's true, I am a real human being, with frustrations and fears, anger and selfishness. There are times that I flee in horror, close my eyes and wish that I had some peace and quiet. I fume as I wonder who it was who made me have FOUR children. As I sit here locked in the study (to try to furiously pound out a post), I can hear them screaming and yelling; arguing and fussing, bickering and dictating. Two are fighting over a Kazoo and its rightful ownership. One is dive bombing the old leather couch screaming with each launch, and the last one sounds like he has taken a maraca and is using it as a hammer to pound a Matchbox car into the train table. So I,...... oops , wait for it..., yes... yes, full blown tears and crying. be right back................................................................

OK where was I? Unsurprisingly, many hours have passed, as have my frustrations (And I have 2 sparkling clean bathrooms to boot as I was unwilling to dissuade my daughter as she felt the call to clean toilets. That sort of urge does not arrive often enough and it must be carefully nurtured). The oldest, Schnuckie8, has informed me that he"read the e-mail on the computer and it was funny" Great, I can't remember exactly what I was bitching about, hopefully it won't result in a therapy bill in a few years. So here I am again, relative calm outside the locked door, as I wonder can I do it, will I have the patience, the benevolence, the calm to succeed? As I really think about homeschooling I wonder how many days will not be as above, but rather be filled with threats over incomplete work? Demanding and bribing them to complete assignments. What happens when their young minds want to mush out to SpongeBob and not to multiplication tables and reading comprehension? Can I handle the daily failures and lose some battles to win some wars? I guess I am struggling with the realization that there is no perfect homeschooling parent anymore than there is a perfect parent.

I guess I allowed to be me. Loving my children who drive me crazy.

Imagine if you were working....

HMMMMMMM Imagine my reaction to these words as Papaschnuck casually said them this morning over the coffeepot. Excuse me???? "I said, eyebrows up into my hairline. "Can you imagine if you were working?" he repeated, not realizing that he had stepped into it up to his armpits. Hearing no reply he turned and caught the hairy eyeball I had launched his way.
In full retreat mode he quickly backpaddled,"I mean if you had a job outside of the house, can you imagine being gone all day and trying to get everything done." I let it go.

Truth be told I am so lucky, I wouldn't trade what I do for anything. (Well, there are times, when I pick up the classified section and peruse the jobs. I image escaping the un-emptied dishwasher, Lego strewn carpet, and never ending pile of laundry for some glamorous job where I sit in a office and people actually listen to me when I ask for something. Or perhaps a colleague will comment and praise my hard work and efforts of the day. Maybe I even could win an award in my chosen field, get a huge raise and jet off to Turks and Caicos for some fun in the sun..........Then Papschnuck will come home and see me sitting in Jenny's tiera- my juvenile attempt to feel special,- staring at the want ads and know that I need a little TLC. And to his credit 99 times out of a 100 he gets me back on track, the other 1 we won't get into at this point).

I've gone astray, where was I?? Oh yes, working. While its true no one would pay me money to do my job, my paycheck is so much more gratifying and way more precious than gold. My restitution comes in the form of love, hugs, kisses and the sheer joy that comes from watching a child laugh with every ounce of their being. I get to be with my kids. I get to see the first steps, hear the first words, watch the spark that ignites when they figure something out. I wipe the tears, and collect the hugs. I dole out the wisdom and the punishment. I watch them grow and smile and scy and fear and hope and just be their own little people. Good and Bad it is all there, everyday, for me to experience. I sometimes wonder how Papaschnuck can bear to leave every morning and miss it all. My guess is, if he didn't have to, he wouldn't. And just like he knows not what it is like to be home all day with them, I do not know what it is like to be gone from them all day. Now, with homeschooling I will never have to put my youngest on a bus and watch him leave, knowing they are all in school for the day. No longer will the days be a mystery of what they did at school (we had recess and lunch mom) And lucky for me, I'll never have to find out.

Hmmmm imagine if I was working......

Perception and the elusive quest of greater understanding

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."-- The Old Farmer's Almanac

I knew intellectually that when I became a parent much would change. I set up the nursery, I folded all the clothes, I stocked up on diapers and I stopped working. I gave up my Monday matinee at the movies, sleeping in til 9, late nights out with my hubby and much of my freedom. I Prepared for the worst, one might say. And then, my sweet, little (well... he was 9lb 11oz) boy arrived red-faced and crying in my lap and I began to understand that parenting wasn't only the chores and responsibilities required in raising a child. Rather, it encompassed happiness, deep laughter, sheer joy, unrivaled pride, unbelievable frustration, and an unending depth of love. I remember musing, before Schnuckie8 was born, to my husband about what we might do if the kids were allergic to dogs. (My first "baby" was Percy, a beagle Dachshund mix and Jake, a dumb, lovable Yellow Lab shared our home) He simply replied that we'd get rid of the dogs. I said nothing, but I was SHOCKED! How dare he simply write off my sweeties. They are my children. I'd be damned if I am gonna give them up for a baby. The baby can just stay upstairs most of the time, it won't be a big deal. I think back on that and am amazed at my lack of comprehension about having a child, and how deep the well of emotion is for a child. Needless to say, don't worry, I can assure you that if anyone developed an allergy to the beasts, (We have since lost Percy but have gained another Yellow Lab- Max), they'd be gone in a nanosecond.

And on it went, with each one came new understandings and a deeper appreciation for the difficulties parents face in parenting. I can remember (when I only had one child) being so condemning of the parent I saw bribing their child for a few moments peace with the TV. Hmmm I'd never let my 1 year old watch TV I thought to myself. Let it be known my daughter was placed in a bouncy seat 2 feet from a TV playing a Baby Einstein video at 8 weeks old. There were many times, for what ever reason, I would cast judgement and think I'd never do that. Not fully understanding, that until you have been there, you don't really understand the frailties of being human, the mistakes you make as you are learning, and the level of compassion that is required to be an effective parent. This then translates to being an effective person, and trying hard not to make judgments and place values on the choices that others make beyond parenting. I done so many things that I have said that I would never do that I need to banish the words, "I would never do that" from my vocabulary. I'd like to say I have learned my lesson, but I still do occasionally make a mistake.

And those who know me know very well that I am not a saint, not even remotely. I still criticize, judge, and place values on others (hey it's human). I can be quick to assume and at times, slow to forgive. But I try my best to realize, that despite my best efforts at empathy, I do not always know what someone else is experiencing at any given moment. And I know, like many others, I am doing my best, at any given time, to get through whatever situation I find myself in. And while I may not be doing it right, well, or even very effectively, you can be sure that I am doing my best. And when you know better, you do better.

Holy Crap? What am I thinking?

Somehow I think I may need to make this a Part 1 as I am certain I am gonna need to use this title again in the future.



That said, allow me to proceed, HOLY CRAP!! What am I thinking? I am just a normal person. I don't buy organic food, or milk my own cows (not that there is anything wrong with that). I am religious and go to church, but I don't preach. I am not a vegetarian. I don't bake my own bread and I have never, ever, been confused with a "Mother Earth" type. I am not particularly patient or understanding although I do have four kids which demands a certain loosening of standards to remain moderately. I NEVER would have thought someone like me would homeschool their kids. Truth be told, I never even particularly liked children. I never babysat and I don't think I even changed a diaper until I had my first son. My mother would have sworn to you (not that she would actually swear mind you) that I would have a menagerie of animals running around the house (in fact there was some mention during the wedding toast about a Schnuck Zoo). But I am certain that she'd have placed money (had she been a betting woman) on the fact that I would remain childless.

Then I had a baby.

I realized how utterly amazing and transformational those little words really are. Your life does, quite literally, change in mere moments. That change is so immediate and defining, it is almost as if a you have emerged from the shadows. You stand, squinting into the light, as you begin to understand something profound has irrevocable and permanently altered you. You are different right down into the core of your being from here on out. I was hooked. After I had one child, I wanted a hundred of them. I had another and I thought, well....maybe ten. Following my third, I decided one more would do. And so it was, four little faces around the table. I am so very fortunate my husband is a flexible and loving man. He met me when I proclaimed loudly (and often) that I probably never wanted to have children, but then, when we decided to try, he willingly shared my joy in building our family to what it has become today.

OK enough of that. I love being a mom and everything but really....Homeschooling also? As I said before, What am I thinking? There is so much information out there: Charlotte Mason, eclectic style, unschooling, deschooling, curriculum, co-ops, portfolio reviews, umbrella schools, web-based learning, single parents, working parents, special needs children, support groups, devoutly religious organizations, etc. etc. etc. Its enough to make my head spin. How can I possible get a handle on all this, organize myself and do a decent (forget excellent) job by my children. I vacillate between abject terror and supreme confidence and between deep desire and absolute rebellion to the idea. There is so much to consider. I feel fortunate that I have some time to get myself together and think about all my options. And on we go.......

A brief history of why I need to go fishing

So, who am I and what the heck is this blog all about? Well, after years of minor discussions and flirting with the idea, I have decided to homeschool my kids. OK don't get too excited I don't plan to start until the Fall of 2009. I like to be prepared. I like to know what is coming. And I love to plan things out clearly. Despite these handicaps, I am going ahead with the plan anyway.


I've decided that I'd ought to chronicle my journey on this adventure. I plan to document the process, the exploration, the confusion, the experiences when I actually begin (or should I say formally begin as I feel as though I have been homeschooling for years in many ways), and beyond. As I have just begun to do some research I am filled with questions, concerns, fear, excitement, and overall a huge feeling of overwhelmedness (OK I don't think that is a word but it sums it all up pretty well).

My plan is to be honest in my observations, please know that much will be my thoughts and opinions not necessarily truth and and fact. This is for me but maybe also for someone out there who can learn from my process. It will be an edventure (ha I made a typo here but left it in as I thought it was very Freudian). Maybe I will find that I can't or don't want to do this, but I hope not.

First of all, I have four monkeys. I haven't figured out how to refer to them or if I should use their names- this blogging thing is all new for me. For now, lets call them by age: Schnuckie8, a boy, in 3rd grade, Schnuckie6, another boy, and in 1st. Schnuckie4, my only girl, and is in pre-school and then there is Schnuckie2, and most definitely every inch a 2 1/2 yr old.

I love the local elementary school. I have been very involved and am known there. I enjoy the students and the teachers and the new principal seems very committed to excellence. So, why homeschool you ask? The school finds itself in the position of simply being unable to meet the needs of my kids, at least in my opinion. They agree, for example, that Schnuckie6 is performing well above grade level in math but are unable to provide him with a higher level curriculum due to scheduling issues. Yes, they have made accommodations to try to address his needs, and yes they are giving him more challenging first grade material, but sorry, that is not enough for me. I want more. I have tried to do everything to support the school: I have been a member of the G&T Community Advisory Committee to the Local Public School Board. I volunteered in a Kindergarten math research program for bright kids last year, I managed to get invited to be on the G&T committee in the school, and I have supplemented my children's learning for the past few years to try to meet their needs. Despite all this I am starting to see my children fail. No, not academically but in their desire to learn. Over the past two years I have seen my oldest slowly lose interest and motivation in school as he was not being engaged, his curiosity is waning. And I see my second son pleading with me to not go to school because "it takes so long" so many hours of waiting.


It is time to fish or cut bait and I've decided that I need to go fishing.