Yeah right!
I never understood that premise when I heard it on ‘Love Story’ and though a nice catchy phrase, it seems to me that the people that you should apologize to, are those who (whom? to whom? I am going to have to figure that out when to use ‘whom’ correctly if I am going to help the kids write well) you DO love. It is when you have contempt or even worse, no feelings at all for the offended party, that an apology seems to be much harder to choke out. It is the people we love that we often feel compelled to apologize to, to fix the wrong, to be able to move on. You don’t need to move on with people that you don’t care about. I often have to make my kids apologize to each other, because it is a valuable exercise and they need to learn to do it (and do it right) just as they learn to tie their shoes.
So, of course, I began to wonder, where does apologizing originate? Being the modern mommy, I Googled ‘History of an apology’ and up came a page which defined it as thus:
The word apology comes from the Greek word apologos meaning "away" + "word" (or "speech"), and in its original connotation meant a speech in defense of a position. An apologia, or a speech away from the speech already given, was a common feature in Greek and Roman law courts. Apologies are closely related to confessions and to excuses. The difference between these is that unlike confessions and excuses, apologies involve negotiation and agreement. Skilled negotiators are also successful apologizers. Interesting huh? Now, my dad, Grandpa Luecke, would have been able to nail that first bullet point as he has been studying ancient Greek for a number of years now, and I must admit it nudged my brain a bit so I must have heard it in my other life (before my kids drained the memory banks of my brain). But it is the second part which I had to think about for a minute (again, the writing a blog seems to take forever as cognizant thought is near impossible while dealing with four monkeys and their constant interruptions). It struck me that it was a pretty good breakdown. Apologies are as much for the person giving the apology as for receiving it. It is a shared experience: an excuse to the person, (to help relieve them of the responsibility?) and a confession for the self, (to assuage your guilt over the wrongdoing?) and the negotiation that we can move on from this. So by definition, you must care for the person you are apologizing to (if you mean it) in order to even have the desire to excuse your error and relieve your guilt.
Now, the last two lines of the second bullet point make even more sense when you understand that I found this on a risk management site which specialized in the art of the apology. They had another heading titled, “Apology Avoidance”, of course, I investigated, and found these gems:
Apology Avoidance
- Create the Context. The most important strategy for avoiding an apology is managing relationships well enough so that apologetic situations never arise.
- Prevent the Pitfalls. Every business relationship involves a implicit or explicit contract. If you clearly understand the contract, you will NEVER need to apologize.
- Manage the Message. If for some reason your techniques of apology avoidance fail, then you should fall back onto managing the message.
- Recognize the Wrong. When all else fails you should recognize the wrong. By doing so you can usually avoid costly litigation
Here is the hidden lawyer in me in no way to I purport this to be an accurate definition nor lay claim to its creation, credit for the above cites to Logos Apology at logosapology.com
I don’t know, I could go in and pick it all apart but suffice to say, it just made me sad (but really put into context the recent apologies and non-apologies I have heard on TV lately) . There are business created to avoid apologizing and people actually pay for these services. It certainly manages the admitting the error piece but I wonder what that does to the forgiving of the self part of the equation? Our world would be much nicer if we could just apologize (and hug when necessary as determined by mommy) and be able to move on without fear of retribution or lawsuits.
I have begun to accept, (as I try to maintain my blog), that I go off on tangents that are, at times, immaterial to the point I intended when I began. It’s funny actually, I almost always start in one direction and inevitably find myself walking a path that is often different form my original intent and almost seems, laid out in front of me. If you haven’t enjoyed the stroll, well…
“I’m sorry”
